


Take My Breath Away

by idiosynkarat (nullvoid)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, No Smut, Rating: NC17, Shane Madej Being an Idiot, but don't take this seriously please oh my gos, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27836842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nullvoid/pseuds/idiosynkarat
Summary: Shane doesn’t really know what’s happening here.“I don’t really know what’s happening here.”or, Ryan is really horny for Tom Cruise and Shane is lost.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Tom Cruise
Comments: 13
Kudos: 54
Collections: The Shyan Shipping Society Stories





	Take My Breath Away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [idkspookystuff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkspookystuff/gifts).



> This exists purely because idkspookystuff said the words "ryan joins scientology to fuck tom cruise".  
> So, thank you.  
> Please don't take this seriously, it's nearing 4am and I am exhausted and I put way too much effort into this joke 😂  
> I'm going to pass out now

It starts, as it always does, on movie night. 

Shane and Ryan are situated on the couch of Ryan’s apartment, the TV in the middle of Top Gun. Over their marathon, the two have gotten progressively more comfortable, with Ryan laying across the cushions and his ankles resting in Shane’s lap. Shane is sunk into the couch, his own ankles on the coffee table in front of the couch next to the few empty beers the two have had over the long course of the night.

It would be easy to blame the chain of events on alcohol, but the truth is they were barely even buzzed. It’s purely because of how comfortable the two are around each other that it happens.

“God, just fucking look at him.” Ryan groans, enamored as Tom Cruise takes up most of the screen playing volleyball. He looks hot, both physically and from the heat of the environment. Shane takes the remark as typical frat-boy envy, the usual lust for muscles.

“Mm-hm..” he hums absently. Ryan’s eyes remain glued to the screen for the entire time Cruise is on it.

“He’s got such kissable abs.” the shorter male says, quietly. Shane frowns and turns his head to totally look at Ryan.

“What?” Ryan blinks and meets Shane’s eyes. He looks confused, almost like when he’s done the Ricky bit.

“What?” Shane pauses, thinking maybe he imagined hearing his friend. He shakes his head and looks forward to the screen again.

“Nothing, I thought you said something.” Ryan shrugs. The two remain silent for a while, locked into the flow of the scene. Further in the film, when Tom Cruise is laying some passionate moves on Kelly McGillis, Take My Breath Away blaring in the background, Shane hears Ryan honest-to-God _whimper_. His head snaps to the side, watching Ryan bite his lip.

“Can you imagine Tom Cruise just.. Laying into you like that?” he mutters. Shane blinks once. Then twice.

“Ryan, what the _fuck_ are you talking about?” Ryan takes himself away from the screen, smiling shyly at his best friend.

“What? You’re going to tell me you’ve never dreamed of being the one under Tom? Digging your fingers into those chiseled shoulders?” Shane doesn’t really know what’s happening here.

“I don’t really know what’s happening here.” Ryan scoffs and rolls his eyes, gently nudging Shane’s legs with his feet.

“Come on, Shane, we’re best friends. I know you want to ride the Tom train as bad as I do.” why is this the first time Shane is hearing anything about Ryan wanting to ride any sort of man’s ‘train’?

“I.. I don’t think I do.”

* * *

The conversation is forgotten up until Ryan and Shane are sitting across from each other outside of a food truck. Shane is scrolling through Twitter, liking and retweeting memes, and Ryan is.. Well, he assumed he was doing the same.

“Oh my God, look at this guy.” Ryan groans, turning his phone to show Shane what appears to be a Grindr profile. Shane squints at it, not even taking in the guy’s appearance.

“Are you.. On Grindr?” Ryan sighs and rolls his eyes, taking his phone back and immediately becoming laser-focused on it again. He ignores Shane’s shock, continuing.

“This guy looks _exactly_ like Tom Cruise! He says I can call him Tom, too.” Shane feels like he’s watching this conversation from a shitty CCTV camera positioned a little to the left of his entire existence.

“What’s his actual name?” he asks, instead of ‘when did you start liking dick?’ or ‘how do I get you to like _my_ dick?’

“Dunno, doesn’t really matter. It’s just a hookup.” Shane’s still not in his body, so his response is to simply nod as if he understands. He really doesn’t.

“This isn’t.. Making any sense to me, Ryan.” the shorter man glances up at him and smirks.

“Dude, you know how hookups work. I’ve seen you on Tinder.”

“You _have_?” so Ryan has his Tinder setup to see men and he knows that Shane does as well and they’re just.. Not going to talk about it? Okay.

“Anyway, I’ve gotta get going. Big date tonight.” Ryan giggles and gives Shane one of his megawatt smiles before getting up from the picnic table and walking away.

Shane does _not_ watch him go.

* * *

“Hey, you doing anything this weekend?” Ryan asks Shane about a week later. Shane glances at his calendar on his desk and shrugs.

“No, not yet. What’d you have in mind?” Ryan fumbles with his hands, looking around the office before lowering his voice.

“I have an appointment to get a personality test done at the Scientology center,” he starts, making Shane’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline. “I gotta be honest, I’d really like to not do it alone.” Shane stares in silence for a beat or two before he reaches forward and pinches Ryan’s arm. Ryan reels back with a yelp, putting a protective hand over the abused skin. “Dude, what the hell?!”

“Oh, I dunno, Ry, I’m just not entirely convinced that you’re _fucking real_ lately!” he hisses, leaning forward in his desk chair. “What the hell is up with you? First you’re.. Talking about fucking Tom Cruise, then you’re bragging about a hook up with some stupid look alike, and now you’re trying to join the church of Scientology? What is the endgame here? I didn’t even know you were into men!” Ryan frowns down at him.

“What are you talking about? I, like, exclusively date men.” Shane blinks and scrunches his eyes.

“No, no, you don’t. Your last ex was named Stacy!” Ryan scoffs.

“There are men named Stacy! And Kim, and Kelly. Dude, you met Evan!” Shane remembers Evan - one of Ryan’s college friends that had tagged along to one of their nights out a couple of years previous. He had been quiet and subdued, really watching from the sidelines as Shane and Ryan had bantered and joked. In fact, Shane remembered him leaving before Ryan and Shane.

“You were not dating Evan.”

“I was right up until I left the bar that night. He said-” Ryan cuts himself off. He shakes his head and smiles instead, though it looks a little forced this time. “So are you willing to become a part of ‘Operation Bang Tom Cruise’, or is it a bust?”

Shane is still terribly confused, but he’s never been able to say no to Ryan.

* * *

“No, Ryan,” Shane deadpans. “I’m not doing a fucking Scientology mixer.” Ryan whines and gives Shane his best puppy eyes.

“Please? There’s like a ninety percent chance that the Man himself is going to be there!” Shane rolls his eyes, ignoring his friend. “What if I already bought the tickets?”

Ryan had indeed already bought the tickets, which led to Shane standing uncomfortably in the corner of a giant ballroom as hundreds of people milled about. A live band played classical music while the Scientologists drank and chatted, a few sharing dances in the middle of the room.

Shane sighs and holds his drink to his chest, shuffling his phone out of his pocket. He needs something to get him out of the house more often, something that keeps him out of reach of Ryan’s dumb plans. Automatically, his thumb swipes over to Tinder. He hadn’t opened the app in nearly a year, having given up on the dating scene while the company got off the ground and learned how to fly. Maybe now would be a good time to try again, though.

He swipes through a few profiles, some gorgeous women, some incredible guys, and some mesmerizing people, but none of them really stick out to him. Finally, he sees someone he recognizes all too well.

> _Ryan, .1 mile away_
> 
> _I’m sure you’ve already heard me screaming in your bedroom, so how about I return the favor?_

Shane snorts and takes a deep sip of his drink, finger hovering over the screen. What if he swipes right, finally shows some interest in the guy he’d been crushing on? Now that he knows he isn't totally ruled out, he can't help but feel hopeful. What was the worst that could happen, right?

Shane gathers his courage, swiping right on the familiar photo of Ryan laughing somewhere in the old Buzzfeed offices. Immediately, the ‘match’ screen pops up. At first, Shane’s heart flips. However, he remembers seeing somewhere that friends often swipe right on each other’s profiles to show support. Perhaps that was all this was, all that Ryan would see it as. 

He shakes his head and pockets his phone again, taking another deep drink and draining his cup. He contemplates the pros and cons of leaving his safe haven to go find another.

“Ugh, it’s no use, man. There’s way too many people here.” Ryan’s familiar voice complains as the shorter man busts through the crowd back to Shane’s side. The taller man hums and nods.

“And I bet not one of them is the Cruiser.” Ryan wheezes.

“Don’t call him that. Makes him sound like he just has crazy amounts of casual sex.” Shane smiles.

“I figured he did, that’s why you were so set on this plan to get in his pants.” the shorter man shrugs.

“Nah, I actually didn’t even have a plan for if I were to meet him, y'know? I’d probably just drool all over myself.” Ryan leans against the wall and takes out his phone, mirroring Shane’s stance from earlier. Shane takes the time to look him over before sighing and looking out into the room.

“I need another drink. You?” Ryan nods his agreement and Shane heads off.

Shane had always been a sucker for formal wear, but Ryan magnified its powers to unbelievable levels. As much as he loves the way the sharp tailoring and tie look on his best friend, he can't help but imagine how much better he’d look without all the unnecessary layers on.

Shane forces his head clear as he approaches the refreshment table, stepping into line. As he waits, he feels his phone buzz. In an automated state, he opens the Tinder notification and nearly chokes when he reads the message.

> _Ryan: hey big guy, what else is big?_

Shane whipped his head around, as if he would be able to see Ryan from his spot in the ballroom. _It’s a bit, it’s gotta be a bit. Just play along, you dweeb._

> _Shane: I dunno little guy, how big can you handle?_ 😏

There is no response as Shane gets to the front of the queue and nabs two glasses for him and Ryan, spinning to go back to his friend. Halfway there, he receives a text from Ryan’s phone.

> _Ry: [1 image attachment] this answer your question?_ 😜😘

Shane freezes. In the image is one very fucked-out looking Ryan Bergara and one thick-looking dildo that had to have been eleven inches at the _very least_. He's still wearing a shirt, like he couldn’t wait to get comfortable before he got himself off. Absently, Shane recognizes it as the shirt Ryan had been wearing when he left Shane’s house from the movie night nearly a month ago.

> _Shane: Holy shit_

He all-but-runs back to their spot at the edge of the room and locks eyes with Ryan, both of them radiating an energy Shane doesn’t entirely want to dismantle.

“Holy _shit_.” Ryan beams at him.

“Was kinda hoping you would have made a move earlier, but uh. If I can’t have Tom Cruise, I guess Clark Gable will do.” Shane blinks and Ryan groans, rubbing a hand over his face. “That came out wrong. I’d take Gable over Cruise anyday. I mean, like, I’d take _you_ -”

“I’ll take you too, little guy.” he graciously saves Ryan from himself and extends his elbow, setting the new drinks on a nearby table. “Wanna get out of here?” Ryan smiles and links his arm through Shane’s, following him towards the exit.

“Gladly.” the two bustle out of the ballroom and out to the lobby of the hotel that had been rented for the event, sharing knowing looks and eager smiles along the way. As they head towards the door, a voice calls out to them.

“Leaving so soon, ghoulboys?” they both freeze and share a look before they separate, turning to look at the owner of the somehow familiar voice. 

Tom fucking Cruise smiles at them from the center of the lobby. 

“I heard you would be here. I was hoping I wouldn’t miss you by the time I got off the set today. Big fan of you two!”

**Author's Note:**

> very weak sauce ending i know destroy me in the comments pls


End file.
